Another sad post...consider yourself warned

When I was growing up and going through whatever trials and tribulations came my way, my mom was always there crying when I cried, hurting when I hurt. Heck, even still today, she cries when I cry and hurts when I hurt. Needless to say, we have shared a tear or two this past year. And now that I am mother, I totally and completely understand and feel this.

Steven left to go back to Iraq about 40 hours ago…already seems like eternity. We had to be at the airport by about 6:15 A.M. for his 7:20 flight out. Daycare was not yet open and although I know I could have asked anyone to keep the kids for me, I thought it was best for the kids to come say goodbye. Reed needed to see Daddy get on a plane and leave. Just going to school and Daddy not being home would have been much harder.

So, as they called for military to board the plane, Steven got up and grabbed Lilly to hug her. She is so young that she was more interested in running around anyway! Then came Reed…Steven picked him up, hugged him tight, and kissed him good bye. He put Reed down and hugged and kissed me goodbye again…I am so tired of goodbyes…

Steven grabbed his bags and started to walk away….and then the crying really began…Reed wanted to run to Daddy but I couldn’t let him. I sat on the chair holding my baby….hurting and crying with him. Once Steven was out of sight, Reed calmed down and we went to watch the airplane get all packed up and take off. As we sat on the floor at the window, Reed kept asking questions…”Is Daddy on that plane?”….”Daddy is going to Iraq, right?”….”Are all the people going to Iraq?”….”Mommy, go get Daddy so I can tell him bye bye”…and on and on. I did my best but the tears were still there. Once the plane took off, we left the airport.

My plan was to go back to work that morning….I drove to daycare and dropped off the kids. Of course Lilly screamed but she does every morning…she is just going through that phase. Reed was very upset too but I knew we had to get back into normal life and going home to cry with him all day was not the best thing for him. I knew I wasn’t ready to go into the office so I went home to just lie down and calm down for a bit. I ended up falling asleep and slept most of the day (I barely slept the night before). When I picked up Reed and Lilly from school, they told me that Lilly had a great day and Reed’s was ok. His teacher told me he would just start crying and did ask for his daddy.

We got out to the car and as I buckled Reed in his chair, he asked if Daddy was at home. I had to remind him that we brought him back to the airport to go to Iraq. The tears started….and again, I cried with him. So, we drove home and the rest of the night was so so. Of course he played but he would come to me and say “I am sad cause I miss my daddy.” When it was time for bed, he flipped out on me again. So, I layed next to him and cried with him again. He only slept in his bed until about 11 when he woke up screaming for me. I put him in bed with me and he slept soundly the rest of the night.

This morning when it was time to get up and get ready for school, Reed didn’t budge. I had to carry him out of bed and into the bathroom as he cried…and he cried the entire morning.
Steven called me at about 5:00 P.M. to let me know where he was in his travels. It was so great to hear his voice. We talked on my way to get the kids. So, when I got to daycare, Reed came outside and got to talk to him. After we hung up, we packed in the car and headed home. As soon as we walked in, the tears started. He missed his daddy….he was sad….he wanted to talk to him again…and I couldn’t do a thing to make it better. I sat on the kitchen floor with him on my lap and cried with him.

My baby is only 3 years old and he is not supposed to be sad. I HATE that I can’t do anything to make that better. I feel helpless to this whole situation and just like my mom hurt and cried with me….I hurt and cry with my baby. I miss my husband like crazy and I often times cry for my own self pity….but I would take that hurt 10 times over if it would take it away from Reed.

I know that he is only 3 and that he will be fine….and I know that we need people like Steven defending our freedoms….but not a single bit of rationalization helps…my baby is sad and so is mommy.